


The sound of Silence

by Mash_me_up



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-08-22 01:29:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16588160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mash_me_up/pseuds/Mash_me_up
Summary: After peace talks in the valley, Clarke starts to withdraw from the others. Everyone is caught up in their own shit and can't see how bad it's getting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Clarke**  
Clarke was fine. She was just a bit tired, that’s all. And Ok so she hadn’t spoken to anyone in 3 days, and hadn’t really eaten in longer. She just wasn’t really hungry. Water filled her up just as well as food, and when she did try to eat, it didn’t sit well and she ended up throwing up. But she was fine. She told that to herself as she lay on her bedroll trying to work up the energy to get up and go about her day. It was hard, but she was tired of all the fighting. True they weren’t at war anymore, but Clarke still felt like she was on a battlefield each time she left her tent. Ever since they managed to take the valley from Diyoza and Clarke had shot Mcreary to stop him from dropping the bombs they had had a fragile peace. Diyoza was more than willing to sit down with onekru and settle terms, and with Madi being slightly more reasonable than Octavia, she was also willing. Bellamy had become Madi’s right hand man, and Clarke, well she had drifted towards the med bay to help out. Nobody trusted Clarke to make decisions that affected them anymore. And why would they? All she’d done since the Elgius crew came down was fuck them over in a bid to protect Madi, and even then she’d failed. Madi was the commander now, and as much as Clarke loved her, she was no longer the same person. She was the commander and every time Clarke looked at her she could see her lying on the ground bleeding out, just like Lexa. She had lost the innocence that had healed Clarke in their time in the valley. That trust and hope that used to be in her eyes when she looked at Clarke, that made Clarke be better, just to live up to her expectations was gone. And part of that was due to her own actions she knew. But another part was the voices whispering in her head, telling her not to trust anyone, that love was a weakness. And as much as Clarke hated it, she knew the commanders were right. Trusting people, loving people had only ended in heartbreak. The one person she believed she could trust above all others had betrayed her. Yes it had worked out in the end, but something was broken in Clarke and she knew it. She started to close herself off from the others. It wasn’t hard, they weren’t seeking her out at the moment. Even Madi, too caught up in peace talks to spend time with her. And now she sounded like a whiny girlfriend, Clarke scoffed at herself, another stab of self loathing hitting her. Why would they want to spend time with a mess like her. They were all important parts of the new camp that was falling into place, and she was drifting, falling apart.  
She hadn’t really meant to stop talking. It just came naturally as the only people she really interacted with now were patients. At first she had tried acting normal, but it tired her out more, and she found herself using less and less words to communicate until she learnt it was just easier not to speak. She still made herself understood well enough, gestures and notes on the patients charts communicated her needs and she didn’t really talk other than that. Abby was still recovering, so there was no one who really knew her in the med bay. Marcus had dropped by a couple of times to update her on Abby’s progress, and she’d seen his concern. But he was already dealing with one broken Griffin, he didn’t need to deal with her too. So she fobbed him off with a smile and a vague gesture at her throat like it was sore, and he seemed to buy it. As for food. Well she wasn’t a big eater in the mornings, and she kept herself busy during the day, so by the time night came around she was too tired to eat. Clarke knew it wasn’t healthy, but somewhere inside there was almost a hope, that if she ignored it, this time she might actually die. She wouldn’t commit suicide, she knew the pain that left behind all too well. But if she fell ill? Then it wasn’t really her fault was it? But that thought was buried way down deep, with all her other emotions. Because Clarke was fine.  
Eventually she sighed and got up. It took a lot longer than it used to. She had trouble even lifting herself out of the bed. Slowly she got ready for the day, noticing a lot more hair in her hairbrush than she used to. As she walked towards the med bay she started listing off her things to do today, all the while subconsciously scanning the people around her. Whenever she saw Raven or Bellamy or anyone she knew really, she would take a detour to avoid them. She was getting more natural at it now, and she hadn’t seen anyone up close in over a week. When she reached the med bay she went to the storage area. She’d noticed they were getting a little low on some herbs and was planning on going for a trip to get some more. It was dangerous in the state she was in, but rational thought was getting harder for her nutrient starved brain, and besides, she had a death wish remember?  
Clarke waved at the helpers she had. While not the official Doctor here, she was one of the most experienced, especially with what resources she could find in the valley. Which reminded her, she needed to finish her guide to the useful and poisonous herbs in the valley. She wouldn’t be able to check the finds the hunters brought in for much… But she cut that thought off before she completed it. She couldn’t acknowledge what she was doing to herself or she would have to do something about it. It was alright if it wasn’t intentional. She clung to that as she gathered her bag. She left a note on the door in case of emergencies. She had no patients at the moment as without the war, there were far less injuries to treat, and the others could cope with any minor wounds from accidents until she was back.  
She slipped out of the camp without anyone seeing and headed out. She aimed herself towards the river. She had found some of the seaweed there that had saved Jasper back when she and Madi were fishing one day. It was a good pain killer and antibiotic. As she wandered she searched the ground for other plants that could be useful. She had been walking for about an hour before she started to get dizzy. She sat down and took her water bottle out. She had a small sip, but even that was enough to make her stomach feel bloated. She grimaced and stood back up to continue but as she took a step she felt nauseous. Her body felt hot all of a sudden and her vision started to go white around the edges, narrowing into tunnel vision. A tinny ringing started in her ears and she put her hand out to lean on a tree but missed and collapsed to the ground.

**Bellamy**  
Bellamy was pissed. Marcus had come to him a few days ago concerned. He said Clarke wasn’t looking so good and asked Bellamy to check on her. Apparently he hadn’t gotten the memo that he and Clarke weren’t exactly on speaking terms at the moment. Besides, he was busy helping the Commander talk peace with Diyoza. ‘The Commander’ it was a little weird to call such a young girl by that title, but she had more than earned it convincing Octavia to step down and leading her people into the valley to talk peace. So maybe it was a little spite, and a little guilt that had kept him from checking up on Clarke, but he had done the right thing and Clarke had fucking left him to die. But that was beside the point. He had finally decided to drop by and check on Clarke and she wasn’t even there. Had gone off for a walk and hadn’t even told anyone. He communicated his anger to one of the helpers in the bay who looked confused.   
“She didn’t tell anyone where she was going?” he snarled  
The helper pointed towards the note on the door. “She left a note, that’s all she’s ever done before. I didn’t think she needed to check in with anyone?”  
“Ok, but she didn’t talk to anyone before she left? Tell you when she’d be back?” Bellamy pushed, frustrated.  
The poor girl looked even more confused. “I didn’t think she could speak?”  
“What are you talking about?” Bellamy asked, a spike of worry suddenly cutting through his anger. “Of course she can speak, how else is she supposed to communicate with you?”  
The helper shrugged. “She writes notes, I dunno, she manages somehow. But I’ve never her heard her say anything.”  
“What about to her friends? How does she talk to them?” Bellamy probed further and bad feeling growing in his gut.  
The helper looked sad all of a sudden “I don’t think she has any. She’s here all day everyday, unless she’s getting herbs. And I’ve never seen anyone come to visit.”  
Bellamy cursed under his breath, yea he was angry with Clarke, but how could no one have noticed she wasn’t even talking anymore? Surely she was talking to someone?  
Bellamy made the rounds of his friends. Of people he had thought were Clarke's friends. The knot in his stomach grew as each of them gave the same answers, they had been busy, or they weren’t ready to talk to her yet. Even Madi hadn’t seen her in over a week. He understood all of their reasons, hell he’d been using them to avoid Clarke himself. But no one had reached out to her. And she hadn’t sought anyone out either. He knew she liked to run from her problems, to take on all the guilt and disappear so others wouldn’t feel bad. But how had she managed to disappear in the middle of a crowded camp?  
Bellamy spent the next 2 days fuming silently, planning out all the possible ways he would approach Clarke and talk some sense into her. Yes she was angry at him, but he had just as much right to be angry at her, and sulking wasn’t going to help anyone. On either of their parts.  
When Clarke wasn’t back by the 3rd day however he grew worried. The girl he’d interrogated before had said Clarke never stayed out for more than one night. He paced around camp for about an hour before giving in and going to Madi.  
“Clarke’s missing” He said bluntly as she looked up from her lunch.  
“What do you mean?” she replied, her brows furrowing.   
“She went out to get herbs 3 days ago and hasn’t come back” he replied. “I’m sending out a search party, where would she go?”  
Madi’s eyes searched his face. “Probably the river. There’s some good herbs along the bank and seaweed in the water.”  
Bellamy nodded and turned to go, stopping as Madi called “Bellamy?” he turned to face her.  
“You're sending a search party? You’re not going yourself?”  
Bellamy felt a pang of guilt, but justified his actions “I’m needed here, and I’ll talk to her when she gets back.”  
He hadn’t told anyone else about Clarke not talking. Maybe he was overthinking it, and a small part of him thought snidely that maybe she was doing it for attention. Although deep down he knew it wasn’t true. Clarke had never actively sought attention. She’d been forced into a leadership role and given it everything she had. She’d even been willing to sacrifice her own life, on more than one occasion, to save him and the others. Bellamy shook off the thoughts that were only making him feel worse, and organised a couple of groups to search for Clarke. He also gave the other groups heading out for food and harvesting the heads up to keep an eye out. Then he went back to work.


	2. On the brink

**Clarke**

When Clarke woke up it was getting dark. Since she was already laying down and there wasn’t really much danger in the valley she decided she was good to spend the night right where she was. She rolled over and reached out to grab the pack from where it lay by the tree. She pulled it over to use as a pillow and lay there. She wasn’t sleepy, but her mind wandered in a sort of foggy state, time slipping away from her without her noticing. She remembered times with her friends. Good times, although she had to think hard. Before everything, with her dad and Wells, she steered her thoughts away before she started to cry. At the dropship, she had visited the glade with Finn, and again, she had to move on. With Lexa, another bad thought. God she really was a curse wasn’t she? Everyone she had ever cared about was dead or hurt by her. The ones left alive had been tortured, buried, or left to die because of her. Even Madi. All she had wanted was for Madi to have a childhood, one without the killing or having the demands of a leader placed on her shoulders. And now she was the Commander, and Clarke couldn’t protect her anymore. Clarke couldn’t protect anyone. What was it Raven had said? “What you don’t understand is you’re the one we need protecting from.” She finally understood now, and this was the best way to do that. If all she did was hurt people, it would be better if she wasn’t around. Nobody would miss her, hell nobody was missing her now, while she was still technically alive. A tear slid down Clarke’s cheek as she lay there staring at the bark of the tree beside her. Then another. She cried silently, letting her sorrow out. There was no one around to see and she was just so tired. Slowly she drifted off to sleep.  
The next time Clarke woke, the sun was already high in the sky. She supposed she had better get going, had to make the effort. She stood up and headed towards the river before stopping. Why was she making the effort again? She had decided to let go last night, and at the reminder a weight lifted off her shoulders. Now what she should be doing was finding a good spot to rest. Clarke thought and realised there was a spot. A perfect place by the river where she and Madi had once sat as she taught Madi to fish. It was a nice shady spot on the bank under a willow tree that was just above the waterfall so you could look over the edge and see the valley spread out below you. Yes, that would be a good place to rest, thought Clarke numbly and leaving her pack behind, she wouldn’t be needing it anymore, she continued on her way. It took her longer than it should, over 3 hours. True she and Madi had used the rover to get around most of the time, but still, she was getting very weak and had to stop to rest often. When she finally arrived, she sat and admired the view for a while. Then she decided to bathe in the river, didn’t want to smell too much. Clean and tidy, Clarke found a comfortable spot with a good view and lay down. She fell asleep quickly, exhausted after the walk and slept through the night. When she woke up in the morning she didn’t move. It felt so nice not to care anymore, not to have to think of the next day, and the day after that. Not to worry about letting anyone down, or dread seeing their faces. She just was, all she had to do was breathe and enjoy the view. And when it was time, she could stop.  
Clarke lost track of time, drifting in and out of sleep as her thoughts became more muddled. She hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in almost 2 days if you counted that sip of water yesterday. She knew her body was shutting down, trying to conserve as much energy as possible to keep her vital organs running. She giggled a little at the thought. Her body was working so hard to survive, but the rest of her was already gone. She drifted off once more, but this time was awakened by voices. As they got closer Clarke barely mustered the strength to turn her head to look. She hoped they didn’t find her, not yet. But her hope was shattered as a shout went up. She heard someone approach her and fought to open her eyes. They crouched down beside her and shook her shoulder gently.  
“Hey, Clarke right?” Her head lolled back as her eyes closed again, and she heard more voices join the one beside her.  
“Is she asleep?”  
“I’m gonna be pissed if we were sent to find the princess because she didn’t check in.”  
“No I think somethings wrong, she won’t wake up.”  
“Damn look how thin she is. She looks like she’s starving.”  
“Call Bellamy on the radio, tell him we found her and are bringing her to medical.”  
At the sound of Bellamy’s name Clarke was startled. She couldn’t face him. He wouldn’t let her go, or maybe he would? But she still couldn’t face him. She fought to open her eyes, to tell them to leave, but she was too weak. She felt herself lifted up and heard the conversation carry on around her.  
“Fuck she’s light, what happened to her?”  
“Even when she was Diyoza’s prisoner she didn’t look that bad”  
“You’ve met her before?”  
“Yea a couple of times. She was a badass, always fighting for her kid. I don’t know what happened after the war.”  
“Obviously something did. Jesus, she’s skin and bone. I thought she was part of their crew? Isn’t their commander her kid? Who did this to her?”  
“I dunno, Bellamy didn’t say anything about this when he sent us out to look”  
Clarke drifted off listening to their commentary. She could feel herself getting weaker and could only pray that this time she wouldn’t wake up.

**Bellamy**  
When Bellamy got the call that Clarke was found he gave a sigh of relief. When he heard they were headed for med bay though the knot in his stomach twisted. “Is she injured?” he barked over the radio.  
“She won’t wake up, and she looks half starved, but we can’t see any obvious injuries.” The voice replied.  
“What do you mean half starved?” Bellamy asked.  
“You’re gonna have to see it for yourself” was the only answer he got.  
Bellamy returned to Madi and updated her. He started pacing the tent until Madi sighed in frustration. “Why are you so worried? Clarke’s strong, she’s been through much worse.”  
Bellamy turned to stare at Madi. “How are you not worried? Clarke is not as strong as you think. She tends to try and take on all the burdens herself. She bears it, so we don’t have to.” He murmured.   
Madi pointed at her head. I know, I have Lexa’s memories in here of her. But Clarke’s a fighter, she never gives up.”  
Bellamy sat down heavily, not knowing how to explain to Madi the truth. “Clarke’s a fighter when she has someone to protect. But she doesn’t protect herself. I talked to the staff at med bay. She hasn’t spoken a word in weeks. They didn’t think she had any friends because none of us have visited her. Hell Marcus came and asked me to check up on her because she wasn’t looking so good and I was so busy being angry with her that I ignored him and now this?”  
Madi stood up and walked over. “She’ll forgive you, she always does. Even Lexa knew you two had something special. She held a place in Clarke’s heart, but you had already staked your claim.”  
“What do you mean?” Bellamy looked up puzzled, but with hope rekindling in his heart.  
“When I first saw Clarke, she was talking to someone on the radio. Everyday she would make a call, no matter what. After we got to know one another I realised that no one was on the other side of the radio. She told me she called because it kept her sane. But even after she had me, she called every day. And you know who she called? You Bellamy, she called to tell you about her day, to talk about anything, and she never gave up hope that you would return. How did you think I knew you all by sight? She drew your pictures and told me stories about all of you. Especially you Bellamy, you were always the hero. It wasn’t until I took the flame that I saw the full story. Everything she did to protect you, to protect her people. I once told her I was ashamed of what she was doing. Of helping Mcreary. And you know what she said?”  
Bellamy shook his head, dumbstruck. Trying to process everything he had just heard.  
“She told me that she was never the hero. That I was her people now. She will do what it takes. She won’t give up.”  
“I hope you’re right Madi” Bellamy said softly, “but I just don’t know anymore. Clarke’s been through a lot since she was that girl, she’s changed. I hope I’m wrong.”  
And they said there in silence until Bellamy’s radio crackled once more and they both stood up and headed towards the med bay.  
When they reached the med bay Bellamy stopped in the doorway shocked at the sight in front of him. Clarke lay on a bed, unconscious, hollow checked and pale. She had an IV in her arm and Abby was sitting by her bedside holding her hand. Bellamy felt a push on his back and realised Madi was still behind him, he moved out of the way and saw the shock on her face as she saw Clarke. She rushed over to the bedside, for once looking like the young girl Bellamy had met when he first landed, young, and scared for Clarke. Abby looked up at her as she approached Clarke and then turned to look at him.  
“How did this happen?” she asked him.  
Bellamy folded his arms defensively, he didn’t know what to say.   
“It must have taken her weeks to get this bad,” Abby pushed, “How did nobody notice?”  
Bellamy looked away guiltily. What could he say? That they were all mad at her for the things she’d done and hadn’t looked for her when she’d avoided them? He heard more people enter and looked up to see Raven, Murphy, Emori, Monty, Harper, and Marcus enter the room. They all looked shocked at the state Clarke was in, and when Abby repeated her questions to them they looked guilty. When Raven tried to defend herself saying. “We haven’t really talked much since she had me tortured.” Abby turned on her.  
“Oh? You forgave me for torturing you. And it’s not like Clarke has save your life multiple times! And you Monty? I thought you were her friend? Apparently not as you didn’t notice her starving herself to death. Murphy? She forgave you for trying to kill her, and put her life on the line to save yours Emori, Echo? And Bellamy? How many times has she forgiven you? How many times has she saved your life, and you can’t even check in on her?”  
Abby was in a full blown rage now. Everyone flinched under her gaze, looking away. Marcus had moved to stand behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder in support. When she turned to Madi she calmed down a little but her face was full of sadness. “And you Madi? She gave up everything for you, betrayed her friends to keep you safe? And you did nothing?”  
Madi’s face crumpled a little “She’s supposed to be strong” she cried.   
Abby sighed in defeat, and sat again with tears in her eyes. “Even the strongest of us can break Madi. Especially if we are all alone. Clarke has been all to willing to give up her life before. It wasn’t always just to save you all you know? After her father was floated, she was kept in isolation for over a year. The only reason they allowed me to give her charcoal to draw with was because she tried to take her own life, twice. Once she came to the ground, she had to protect you all and that kept her fighting. But Madi, you were the last one she had to protect, and she thinks she failed. I know what losing a child does to a mother. And Clarke is more like me than she knows.”  
“She didn’t lose me though. I’m right here.” Madi was crying in earnest now, and Bellamy went over to give her a hug. She burrowed into his arms and he hugged her tightly.  
“But she did lose you” retorted Abby. “Just like I lost Clarke when I floated her father, and sent her to the ground. She became someone different, she didn’t need me anymore. But I had the Ark crew to care for, and Marcus to support me, so I managed. You became the Commander Madi, she couldn’t protect you anymore and she had nothing else to fall back on.”  
Abby shot a quick look at Bellamy when she said this and he winched again. He knew what she was getting at, and at one time he had thought so too. But then he thought Clarke had died, and he had moved on with Echo. Just because Clarke was alive didn’t mean he could stop his feelings for Echo, or forgive her actions straight away.   
Oh he knew he would forgive her, that was their thing, and after what Madi had told him, he had seen definite possibilities. But now? She was so still and broken, lying there like a doll. And he didn’t know what to do. He had caused this, had broken her will to live by taking Madi from her. And then left her alone to suffer. Bellamy had to get out of there. He stood abruptly and muttered something before striding out. He heard footsteps following him and paused outside the ship. It was Echo. She came up and looked at him with sad eyes. He sighed.  
“Echo I’m…”  
“No, I know what you are going to say. And I get it. We’ve been over for a while now. Ever since the gorge I knew.”  
“I’m sorry.” Bellamy repeated “I know I said things wouldn’t change on the ground.”  
“I knew they would” Echo smiled sadly. “But I’ll deal, and you have a princess to save. You can’t run away from this Bellamy. She needs you, and she deserves your forgiveness. If you can forgive me for trying to kill your sister and torturing Raven, then you can forgive her for trying to protect Madi.”  
“I know, and I have. I just…”  
“You don’t know what to say to make up with her without sounding like a total ass” a voice sounded behind him. He turned around to see Raven walking up behind him.  
“Trust me I know. I’ve been there. But Clarke needs us, and she’s always been there for us, recent past excluded. But Abby’s right. I’ve always held Clarke to a higher standard, and that wasn’t fair. I forgave Abby, and Echo, but I was still angry at Clarke, because she was supposed to be the best one of us. She always tried to save us before, and I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t this time. But I mean after all the things you did for Octavia back in the days? It really shouldn’t have surprised me she’d go all Momma bear on us. You two are too much alike.”  
She patted his ass “Although you’re much hotter. Now go, be her knight in shining armour and wake her with a kiss or however that story goes. Tell her she’s not allowed to die on us.” And blinking back tears she limped away with Echo following. Bellamy took a deep breath and headed back inside.


	3. Stumbling words

**Clarke**  
When Clarke woke up to the familiar sights of the med bay she felt despair wash over her. Why hadn’t they let her go? They didn’t need her here, they should have let her go. Tears came to her then and ran down her cheeks as she wished for it all to disappear. She felt someone take her hand and hold it gently.   
“Clarke? Honey? Are you awake?”  
She opened her eyes to see Abby, red eyes but with a trembling smile on her face. A smile which collapsed when Abby saw she was awake. “Oh thank God! I couldn’t lose you again Clarke.”  
As she wept Clarke felt guilt wash over her, but also that burden she thought she had shed settled back on her shoulders. She couldn’t do this again, she couldn’t. She closed her eyes and turned her head away, hoping her mother would leave her alone. But no such luck. Abby tightened her grip on Clarke’s hand and spoke fiercely to her. “Clarke, you cannot give up. I know it feels like you have nothing to live for right know, but you do. You have to fight! You can’t leave me and Madi, we still need you!”  
But Clarke closed her ears to Abby’s pleas. She couldn’t be the strong one for them anymore. She had broken somewhere along the way, and like a broken shelf, even repaired, she could no longer hold the weight without collapsing. It would be better to give up on her and find someone else to rely on.  
She heard footsteps approach the room and Bellamy’s voice as he entered. “How is she?”  
Abby answered in a broken voice. “I don’t know, she’s refusing to talk to me.”  
Bellamy approached the bed. “I wouldn’t take it personally, she hasn’t spoken to anyone in weeks.”  
She heard his footsteps approach the bed next to Abby and stop. “Go and get some rest Abby, I’ll watch her.”  
Abby stood up slowly, leaning over to give Clarke a kiss on the forehead. “I love you Clarke, please fight, for me.” And left the room.  
Clarke kept her eyes stubbornly closed. She didn’t want to see Bellamy, didn’t want to see any of them. She wished they would go away and just let her die in peace!  
The sudden surge of rage startled Clarke. She hadn’t felt such a strong emotion in a while. Recently she had noticed she’d become more apathetic. A strange numbness that left her dull and uncaring, broken only by her tiredness and feelings of hopelessness. But this rage was so strong. It ran through her like a fire, burning her up suddenly, and disappearing, leaving her cold and tired after it left. Clarke felt herself slipping back into sleep when Bellamy started to talk.  
“Madi told me about the radio Clarke, that you called every day while we were on the ring. She said you talked to me about everything. I don’t understand. Why couldn’t you talk to me like that in person? Why didn’t you tell me? If we had just talked…”  
Clarke opened her eyes to find Bellamy sitting where Abby had been, his head in his hands. She stared at him, empty inside. The time for talking was over. He had Echo, and she, she wanted to find peace the only way she knew how.  
Suddenly his head shot up as if he could sense her looking at him. He stared into her eyes as though searching for something, but whatever it was he couldn’t see it. His shoulders slumped and he started talking again. “I’m sorry, is that what you need to hear? I’m sorry for putting the flame in Madi, but I had to save everyone!”   
‘No you had to save your family’ Clarke thought ‘and in the process destroy mine’. But again not words came out.   
“But Madi is still here Clarke.” He continued, “She still needs you and so does Abby, and so do I”. He almost whispered the last part. And Clarke felt something flicker inside of her. A small spark of hope? It grew from the ashes and breathed fresh air into the desolate landscape of her mind.  
But Bellamy was growing angry at her lack of response. “You’re the Wanheda, the Commander of Death. You’re not allowed to surrender! You have to fight Clarke, fight for Madi, and Abby, and Raven, and Monty, and everyone else who’s counting on you!”  
But that was the wrong thing to say. With each name he said, the things she’d done flashed through her mind and she felt the weight of guilt begin to smother her again. The spark died out and she found it harder to breathe. Bellamy was pacing now and couldn’t see her struggling. She let a small smile out as she thought ‘maybe it’s time, and maybe I won’t be alone’. She closed her eyes and gave in to the feeling, as her breathing became slower and she sank under the waves.

**Bellamy**  
When Bellamy approached Clarke’s room again, he saw Abby still sitting by her side. The others had left except Marcus who was standing guard by the door. He nodded to him as he entered and approached Abby. “How is she?”  
Abby answered in a broken voice. “I don’t know, she’s refusing to talk to me.”  
Bellamy approached the bed. “I wouldn’t take it personally, she hasn’t spoken to anyone in weeks.”  
He approached Abby and put a hand on her shoulder “Go and get some rest Abby, I’ll watch her.”  
Abby stood up slowly, leaning over to give Clarke a kiss on the forehead. “I love you Clarke, please fight, for me.” And left the room Marcus falling into step behind her, ready to catch her if she fell.  
Bellamy sat down in the vacant chair and looked at Clarke. She was so small. I mean she had always been small, but her personality had filled her up, made her seem bigger. Now her body lay there, but the personality was gone.  
“Madi told me about the radio Clarke, that you called every day while we were on the ring. She said you talked to me about everything. I don’t understand. Why couldn’t you talk to me like that in person? Why didn’t you tell me? If we had just talked…”  
Bellamy put his head in his hands. If they had just talked. He didn’t know how they had gotten here. He could still remember the disbelief at hearing Madi say Clarke was alive. That fierce joy he had felt as he saw her for the first time in the flesh. And that wonderful relief he had felt when he hugged her and knew she was really real. That he hadn’t left her to die, that she was here. But now, she was fading in front of his eyes. And he had done nothing to stop it. If Abby was right, what he had done had caused it. This time if she died, it would be his fault again, but this time, he could have prevented it.  
He looked up to She Clarke watching him. Eyes open, but when he looked into them, she wasn’t there. The fierce Princess who was always fighting, always doing what she thought was the right thing, no matter what. Was gone. These eyes were empty, and watched him as though he was a stranger. He felt the need to fix this, to mend whatever was broken between them. To make her understand that what he had done, while not what she wanted, was the only option, and it had worked!  
“I’m sorry, is that what you need to hear? I’m sorry for putting the flame in Madi, but I had to save everyone! But Madi is still here Clarke.” He continued, “She still needs you and so does Abby, and so do I”. He glanced at Clarke but saw no reaction. Why couldn’t she understand? She hadn’t lost anything! They had won the war! God, he’d poisoned his own sister for this and she’d just given up because things didn’t go her way! A small part of him knew he was letting his emotions gain control of him, that this was not what Clarke needed right now. But he just wanted to shake some sense into her! He wanted her to sit up and get in his face, and fight with him! He wanted Clarke back! Not this hollow shell waiting to die in the bed next to him.  
“You’re the Wanheda, the Commander of Death. You’re not allowed to surrender! You have to fight Clarke, fight for Madi, and Abby, and Raven, and Monty, and everyone else who’s counting on you!”  
He was so caught up in his rant he didn’t notice her eyes close again. He had turned around to pace back towards the bed when he heard it. A quiet gasp, like a desperate plea for air. All of a sudden he was alert, he rushed over to the bed and listened closely. Her breathing was slow and shallow, and was slowing down even as he listened. He quickly ran for the door and shouted for someone to get Abby before moving back towards Clarke. He tried to remember the first aid training all guards got. It was so long ago. Her heart was still beating Ok, but her breathing was getting even slower. He removed the pillows from the bed to open her airway and got ready to do CPR. He breathed a sigh of relief as Abby rushed back in. “What happened?”  
“I don’t know. She was awake and I was talking to her, but then her breathing slowed down and she closed her eyes.”  
Bellamy backed away from the bed as Abby started to work. He felt guilt rise up in him again. God, he couldn’t even speak nicely to her when she was half dead. No wonder she hadn’t talked to him about anything. Even if she had had feelings for him before, she probably didn’t anymore with the way he’d been acting. He was disgusted with himself. That wasn’t what he had come to do. He was supposed to comfort her, give her a reason to live, man up and tell her how he felt about her. But he’s fucked it up, like he always seemed to do with Clarke. Bellamy turned and quietly left the room.


	4. An unexpected friend

**Clarke**  
They had pulled her back again. Each time she tried to leave they pulled her back and tried to rope her down. To tie her to this group that was no longer her family. Clarke had been in Med bay for about a week now. They had been giving her nutrients through an IV since her stomach couldn’t really handle much. After the second time she’d crashed she’d had a constant guard in the room. All of her “friends” were taking it in turns to come and sit with her. They would talk, trying to get her to respond, but Clarke ignored them. She just wanted peace and quiet. She just wanted to be alone.  
Some of them grew frustrated and yelled. Raven and Bellamy mostly. The others mostly sat in silence or brought activities to do after the first few days. She didn’t mind that. Funnily it was the few Clarke had had the least contact with that she found the most comforting. Harper, Emori, and even Monty. Although Monty had been there from the beginning, Clarke was only just realizing how attached to Jasper he had been. Even when Jasper was going off the rails, you could normally find Monty somewhere nearby, a quiet shadow that watched over him. Since they returned from the dropship, Monty had come into his own somehow. He was still the calm presence in the room. But he shone a bit brighter now without others putting him in their shade.   
Clarke could see he and Harper were perfect together. Two people who had somehow managed to keep some of their innocence intact despite what the world had thrown at them. They made each other happy, and it warmed Clarke that something good had finally happened to the remaining members of the 100.  
Murphy and Emori were similar. They didn’t have the innocence of the other couple. But somehow the jagged edges of these two broken souls fit together like puzzle pieces. They had so much passion inside and both had finally found an outlet in each other.  
Murphy. Murphy had started off as a psycho, Clarke couldn’t stand him. He hadn’t really become less psycho over the years. But in some ways everyone else become closer t him as the boundaries of what they were willing to do were blurred and pushed back time and time again. Now Clarke thought if she was put in the same position now as she was when they first landed. She would be a lot less gungho to find a way for peace to occur, and maybe she and Murphy could understand each other a bit better now.  
Except he had never given up. Like the cockroach that he called himself, he always fought to survive, and so in some ways he was stronger than her. As Clarke mulled this over, she noticed he was speaking to her (it was his watch). She tuned in for a little bit as Murphy was not one of her more talkative visitors. When she realized what he was saying though she realized they had a lot more in common than she thought. She was shocked, relieved, and saddened all at once.  
“Clarke, I don’t really know if your listening, but I thought I should tell you some stuff. I know all this” and he gestured to her in the bed, “isn’t just an illness. You’re willing yourself to death. And I get it. When I was alone, trapped in Alie’s bunker, I thought about offing myself. Even had a gun to my head a couple of times, but I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t push myself past that point. And I’m glad I didn’t. It let me meet Emori, and see peace finally occur. Although the 6 years on the station were fucking miserable. But it was worth it. I know you don’t think you have anything to live for at the moment. But if I can find someone to love me, fucked up as I am. So can you. You just have to keep living. And if you choose to give up. I understand. You have been screwed over so many times, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long. But dumb as he is, Bellamy needs you, and so does the squirt. Don’t think she’s all high and mighty now that she has a chip in her head. She’s scared of losing you. We would miss you Clarke. Fuck I hate this sentimental bullshit.”  
Clarke opened her eyes to see him wiping his. Was Murphy crying? No, that was physically impossible. When he looked up and saw her looking at him he grimaced. “Got some dust in my eye. Look Clarke, I don’t know how much you heard, but we don’t want you dead. So if you need something you can talk to me, or write, or whatever it is you do these days. Trust me, after everything I’ve done, I can’t judge anything you’ve done. So think of me as your equally fucked up friend, or whatever.”  
Clarke couldn’t help it, she let out a small smile. Seeing Murphy of all people reaching out to her, she must really be in bad shape. But he had a point. He had been on the receiving end of judgements from everyone more than once, maybe he wouldn’t hold her actions against her? As a warm feeling spread through her body, Clarke relaxed and fell back to sleep. She didn’t see Murphy’s astonishment at the smile on her face, or Raven standing in the doorway with a similar look that melted into devastation as she overheard Murphy’s words. She just heard a slight murmuring as Raven came in to relieve Murphy and check on her progress. She didn’t hear Raven sit down and take her hand, hear her “Fuck Clarke, I’m sorry, and I forgive you.”


	5. Hush little darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of poetic license here. Don't hate me! :P  
> Also I lost the first chapter I wrote so I had to write it again! So annoying!

**Clarke**

Clarke woke to the sound of singing. It was beautiful. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard music, and this song...

I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone  
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me  
You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along"

Clarke was so absorbed in the song that it wasn't until almost halfway through that she realised what she was hearing. Those were her words, words she had written in her journal alongside the sketches she had drawn. How? She opened her eyes to see Harper sitting next to the bed, eyes closed as she sang, with tears rolling down her face. Clarke watched silently, tears of her own flowing as the song seemed to start healing something broken inside her. It wasn't fixed by a long shot, but the edges were a little less sharp.  
When Harper finished she opened her eyes and jumped at the sight of Clarke watching her."Clarke! Hi, I mean good morning, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."  
Harper blushed and stammered as she quickly wiped her tears and started to stand. Clarke reached out to hold her hand and she stopped looking at Clarke. She sat back down and started rambling again. "Abby brought some of your stuff so you would be more comfortable, and I was just looking at your sketches, which are amazing by the way! But I found your poem, and then I thought it would sound nice with music and then I started singing it...."  
Clarke was amused. She had never seen this side of Harper before. She had always been a quiet but steady presence in the group from what Clarke could remember. Had she changed that much in 6 years? Or was Clarke seeing a side of her that was always there, just hidden under the constant fear of imminent death? She squeezed Harper's hand to show she understood. She wanted to speak to her but couldn't quite bring herself to open her mouth and do it. Instead she gestured to her journal and Harper hurriedly passed it over to her.  
'Thank you, that was beautiful. You have real talent' she wrote.  
Harper blushed "Oh no, it was your words, I just added music. It's not like your sketches, it's just something i did for fun on the Ring. Monty found some songs on the computer, he tried to sing but his voice was horrible." She giggled at the memory. "Anyway, I found I liked music so I started singing and writing songs, nothing like yours though"  
'I would love to hear some of your songs' Clarke wrote 'I'm sorry I didn't really get to know you before'  
"That's Ok, you were kid of busy trying to keep us alive" Harper replied. "But, when you get better, maybe we could hang out sometime?"  
This stopped Clarke. She hadn't planned on getting better. Had planned on finding a way to escape and finding a place to die. But Monty's words came back to her, and she realised that if she left, she would never get to know this happy Harper, and maybe the others would have more to show her. They had shown what they would do to survive, but that was the depths they could sink to. Maybe with peace, she could see the sides of them they hadn't had a chance to show. It saddened her to think of all the voices and talents that had been lost to them forever since they came to Earth.But Harper had mistaken Clarke's hesitation for rejection and she shrank in on herself. "Or not, if you don't want to"  
Her voice snapped Clarke out of her thoughts and she cursed herself as she saw more tears shimmering in Harper's eyes. She could never deliberately hurt this girl. She grabbed the journal and wrote quickly 'Sorry, I would love to hang out more with you, I just, didn't think I was getting better'  
Harper flushed again as she read it, this time with happiness. "Of course you'll get better!" She exclaimed. "You're Clarke Griffin!" and that was all she said. As if that was all that needed saying.  
Clarke was surprised and flattered. She hadn't realised Harper had so much faith in her. Maybe she did have someone on her side. Two if you counted Murphy. She wasn't really sure Murphy was on her side, but he understood her, more than anyone else, and it was a comforting feeling. But all this emotion was tiring her out. She wrote again 'Could you sing something for me?' And was rewarded by Harpers smile and another song that she soon drifted off to.

**Bellamy**

Bellamy had been haunting med bay. He watched over Clarke when she was asleep but fled if she looked like she might wake up. He was afraid to leave, but he was more afriad of setting her off again. So he found work to do nearby when he wasn't sitting with Clarke, or someone hadn't forced him to eat, shower or sleep. Today he was in a room down the hall looking busy when he heard singing. He quietly moved closer to listen and was struck by the sadness of the song. The lyrics told the tale of someone who had given everything and had nothing left. He felt tears roll down his cheeks as he listened and was sad when the song ended.   
When he heard Harper speaking he was surprised. He had gotten to know her better on the ring (one of the side effects of being stuck in a confined space with a small group for 6 years) And yet he had never heard her sing like that. She preferred happier songs, ones that lifted people's moods, or she had. When he heard that the words were Clarke's and she had added the music he found it hard to breathe for a bit. Those were Clarke's feelings? That haunting song that had brought him to tears, was something she had written?  
As Harper carried on her one sided conversation, he realised that she was responding to Clarke, which meant Clarke was communicating with someone. He hadn't known Clarke and Harper were so close, but he felt a surge of joy at the thought that she was opening up to anyone. He longed to rush in there and talk to Clarke, but he realised that might not be the best option. So he waited, he heard Harper start to sing again. A song he had heard on the Ark from her. It was one of the slower ones, but still had hope, and a dream of a future in it. Bellamy prayed that Clarke could hear that, and would respond as he turned and went back to his work. 'Please Clarke, don't give up yet.'


	6. Kill me Heal me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I have no excuse.

Clarke recovered slowly over the next few days. The brief spurt of optimism Murphy and Harper had given her had faded quickly, and she had sunk back into the darkness. After she woke up they started trying to get her to eat. She couldn’t keep much down at first, but her stomach slowly recovered. It took almost a week before she could keep a full meal down without throwing up. It wasn’t bad, but all she really wanted to do was be left alone, and that was the one thing they would not allow. She always had someone in the room with her, mostly her mother, but she was spotted by her former friends when she needed to rest. It was…… awkward to say the least. Raven, Madi and Murphy liked to talk. But it was hard to find a conversation that didn’t touch on sensitive subjects and how Clarke had betrayed them. Also, the fact that Clarke wasn’t talking didn’t help. Octavia, Emori, and Shaw tended to just sit and stare (glare) at her which was uncomfortable to say the least. Monty, and Harper were the best to be around. Harper seemed to not hate her, and Monty was never the most aggressive person, though he had the judgemental look down pat. Harper ended up coming most evenings. Clarke liked her singing, and responded more to her than anyone else. Well except Murphy. Yea he could be a bit of a dick, but he understood her more than anyone else now. And somehow, in-between the sarcasm and awkward silences, he managed to make her laugh.  
She never saw Bellamy.  
By the end of the second week, she was ready to scream. She had recovered enough that they were making her take supervised walks to regain her muscle mass. She could barely make it down the corridor at first, but soon she was walking around the hospital wing freely, taking rests where she needed it. But she was still constantly monitored. She had tried to tell (write) her mother that she could take care of herself, and she didn’t need a babysitter, but her mothers argument that she obviously did otherwise she wouldn’t be where she was had a point. Not that she was willing to admit it. She still wasn’t talking. She could, but this was the last thing that was hers now. They controlled her food, her time, her everything and she needed one thing they couldn’t touch. It wasn’t hard anymore, and it gave her a twisted pleasure to see them trying to reach out to her and be rebuffed by silence. She knew it wasn’t nice, but she needed them to understand, to feel a fraction of the pain she had felt. Deep down she understood their reasons, had known before she had taken any action that they would hate her for what she had done, and done it anyway. But right now, she was a mess of fear, anger, grief and hate. Oh yes, one of the side affects of getting better, she had the energy to feel again. It switched with the apathy, almost as if over time she could feel everything build up inside like a ball in her stomach until it exploded and all she could do was close her eyes and bear through it or she would scream and fight and hurt someone. And then it would be gone, all burnt up in the burst of energy, and she would be empty again. She pretended to sleep when this happened. She knew if she didn’t she would break her silence, or attack whoever was there. It scared her sometimes, in-between the moments of fire and the apathy. What would she do if she just let herself go?  
She wanted to. Maybe if they thought she was crazy and dangerous they would let her die. Maybe they would let her leave. But she knew her friends, she knew Bellamy. Even if they hated her now, they would never let her leave, never let her die. To much guilt for them, she was always the one who had to make the hard choices. Although……  
Octavia. She knew Octavia hated her, would be willing to kill her. All that she had to do was rile her up enough. The thought of Bellamy might have stopped her once, but they weren’t on good terms at the moment. It might work.  
And so she planned, she watched Octavia the next two times she was ‘visiting’ and they had a little staring contest before Clarke pretended to go to sleep. She stole a couple of knives on one of her walks around the hospital when Monty wasn’t looking. She kept the ball of rage inside from exploding; knowing she would need the energy it would bring to fight Octavia. And she would have to fight she knew. Octavia may be many things but she would not kill her lying in the bed. And this way she could claim self defence.  
So the next time Octavia came she was ready. She waited until the nurse had come to check up on her and beckoned Octavia over. She came sullenly. “What?”  
Clarke grabbed the pad and pen from the bedside table. This was the hard part. She didn’t want to hurt Octavia any more than she had been, she wasn’t cruel, but this had to be done. She wrote “Why are you here?”  
Octavia read the note and gave a sharp bark of laughter. “I don’t exactly have a choice. Precious Clarke got her feelings hurt and can’t be left alone, and no-one trusts me to do anything anymore except babysit you apparently.”  
Clarke played dumb and wrote. “Why can’t I be left alone? I got sick, and yea, I probably should have told someone, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought it would blow over.”  
Octavia looked at her in disbelief. “Do you really think we’d fall for that? You’re a doctor Clarke, you knew exactly what was happening, and you let it. And now Abby has her knickers in a twist because she thinks you want to off yourself.”  
Clarke flinched a little at this but carried on. “Why do you care what Abby says? Isn’t she the one who made you Bloodreina?”  
She still didn’t have the courage to say/write it outright, but Octavia got the message and her shoulders drew up as she growled. “Fuck you Clarke, I’m not going to leave you alone. No matter what buttons you push. Yea I’m pissed that she came up with the idea and let me take the blame, but I went through with it. So yea, I’m a monster, your mother is a monster, and you’re a monster. We’re all just one big happy monster family.”  
Clarke shuddered at this. “We’re not family. You had your family in the bunker, screwed up as it was. Bellamy had his family on the ring, and I had Madi. I lost my family; you are fighting to get the trust of yours back. I don’t have anyone to fight for.”  
This was going a bit deeper than she had intended but it felt good to get it off her chest.  
Octavia sneered at that. “Poor Clarke, left alone in the valley with food, fresh air, and freedom. You grew soft in those six years Clarke. You let your feelings get in the way. Bellamy did the right thing and now you’re throwing a tantrum? Madi is still here, your mother is still here, you have plenty to fight for, you just don’t want to.”  
Clarke paused, thinking, not because of Octavias words, but figuring out which button to push, this was going nowhere. Finally she steeled herself and wrote what she knew would hurt most. “Really? Then how about you and Bellamy? Do you really think he will forgive you for trying to kill him? He sure as hell won’t forgive me for leaving him to die.”  
That struck home. Octavia drew back and Clarke swore she could see tears in her eyes “At least I’m trying Clarke. I’m not a coward like you.”  
Ouch, that stung a little, but it was also the perfect reason for her to act. She knew they were monitoring her, one of the reasons (besides the constant supervision) that she hadn’t just slit her wrists. But she needed a reason to attack Octavia, to make her fight back, to let her kill her.  
She took a deep breath and let rage cover her face. She drew the knife she had hidden from under the pillow and lunged at Octavia. Octavia drew back and swore before jumping out of the chair and grabbing at Clarke’s arm. She drew back and threw of the sheet that had curled around her leg before attacking again. Octavia crouched and tried to sweep her feet out from under her but she stepped back with a snarl.  
“Clarke, stop it!” warned Octavia as she held her hands out, trying to peacefully resolve this. But Clarke had had enough. She let the rage wash over her, let the emotions explode inside and give her a burst of energy. She slashed at Octavia and let her grab her wrist, let her take the knife from her hand, and then drew the other knife out from the band of her gown at the small of her back. She took Octavia by surprise and managed to catch her upper arm drawing blood. Octavia swore again and started to fight for earnest. Clarke looked for an opportunity, but Octavia had always been a better fighter than her. The energy from the emotions ran out quickly and Octavia managed to wrestle her to the floor a knife at her throat. “Stop it Clarke, I’m not afraid to kill you.”  
Clarke kept fighting but something in her eyes must have given her away because Octavia drew back startled. “Fuck, that’s what you want isn’t it? Don’t try to deny it Clarke, I’ve seen that look before. You want to die, Abby was right.”  
Frustrated at her failure Clarke let out a snarl, fine, if Octavia wouldn’t cooperate she would do it herself. She grabbed the knife that had fallen to the side and brought it to her throat before Octavia could react. She saw her eyes widen and heard her shout “No!” before she closed her eyes. One slice, that’s all it would take. She took a breath and gripped the knife tightly and sliced. She felt the knife bite into her throat, felt the blood start to run, and felt the hand grip her wrist before she could go deep enough to kill. Her eyes shot open, but Octavia was still standing in front of her, mouth open, with a complicated look on her face. She looked down and saw a hand gripping her wrist before she was pulled around to face a fuming Bellamy.

“What the hell Clarke!” he yelled.  
“Why the fuck would you try to kill yourself?”  
Clarke stared at him blankly, she had been so close. Why had he stopped her?  
Bellamy grew frustrated at her lack of response and turned to Octavia. “Octavia, what the hell? You were supposed to be watching her.”  
Octavia flinched visibly. “She attacked me, I took one knife off her, but she had another, I couldn’t reach her in time.”  
Bellamy glowered at her then nodded his head shortly. “We’ll talk about this later. For now, get a nurse, we need to clean her neck up. And get Abby.”  
He turned to look back at Clarke who was still staring at him blankly before sighing. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed.”  
As though his words woke her up, Clarke started fighting him. He cursed and grabbed her in a bear hug from behind as he sat on the edge of the bed. She fought him silently, trying to get away until the nurse arrived and injected her with a sedative. Then she sank back down into unconsciousness.


	7. Realisations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the disappearance. Not much inspiration lately.

**Bellamy**  
Bellamy wanted to shoot something.  
He’d been watching over (Stalking) Clarke in the hospital when he’d heard the fight. He’d made it in time to see Octavia take her down and had seen red. He’d almost jumped in then, but had pulled up short when Octavia had said Clarke wanted her to kill her.   
What the fuck?

He knew Abby had said she had let herself almost die, but that was different somehow to seeing her trying to force Octavia to kill her.

Octavia had backed off and he’d almost missed Clarke’s next move in his shock, but he was glad he hadn’t. When she had brought the knife up to her throat, he had jumped forward, and managed to catch her in time. When he’d turned her around to ask her what was going on, he was met with a blank stare. He didn’t know what to do for her. So he sent Octavia to get a nurse, and tried to get her back on the bed. When she started struggling he grabbed her in a bear hug and held on. He tried to calm her down, but she didn’t seem to hear anything he said. It was a relief when the nurse arrived and sedated her before bandaging her neck, and he knew his face was wet with tears but he ignored it to thank her and adjust Clarke until she was lying between his legs on the bed, his arms still around her. He wasn’t ready to let go. Not just yet.

As he sat there listening to her breathing he saw her notepad on the ground by the bed. He leant over to pick it up, trying not to jostle Clarke as he did so. He took a look at what she had been writing and froze. There was nothing really new on there, but the way she had phrased it. As though she wasn’t part of his family anymore, and he wasn’t part of hers. Did she really think they didn’t care about her anymore? 

Thinking back over their actions since the peace treaty he winced. Ok, so they had made a pretty convincing argument for not being her friends anymore, but she hadn’t reached out either! And he was justifying himself again. He remembered the relief he had felt seeing she was still alive after they had saved her from the Elgius crew. Where had that gone wrong? He didn’t know, but somewhere along the way, Clarke had gone from being ‘Clarke, the girl who sacrificed herself for us’ to ‘Clarke the traitor’. And really, which held more weight? Something she did to protect the girl she thought of as a daughter? That she did after he had betrayed her to end the war? Or the girl he knew, or used to know? Six years was a long time.

Bellamy was winding himself up in his head again when Abby arrived. She looked tired, and he felt another pang of guilt and anger. Guilt that he hadn’t been doing enough to help Clarke, and anger that she had put everyone in this position. Clarke didn’t give up, that was just Clarke. And he didn’t know what had happened to change that, but he didn’t like it.

Abby sat down next to the bed without a word and just started stroking Clarkes head. She did this without a word for a few minutes before sighing and asking quietly “What happened?”  
“She attacked Octavia, tried to get her to kill her, and when that didn’t work she tried to cut her throat.” Bellamy said.

Abby gave a sad smile at that. “Oh my poor broken baby. I’m so sorry.”

Bellamy was surprised; he expected a more emotional reaction than that. It must have shown on his face because Abby gave a small laugh and said. “I’m a doctor Bellamy, but I fix bodies, I don’t know how to fix minds, and I sure as hell don’t know how to fix Clarke’s mind. After all I’m half the reason she’s like this.”

Bellamy shook his head. “No, you two were better before all this, she did this because of me.”

“No Bellamy’ Abby said. “Clarke has always had trust issues, ever since her father was floated. At first she believed her best friend had betrayed her, then she realised he had lied to her and covered for me, and that I had sent her to the ground to die. Then Finn killed the grounders, and she had to kill him. Lexa betrayed her at the mountain, you betrayed her with Madi, and then she betrayed all of you to protect Madi and lost anyway.”

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something but she interrupted him. “I know all of you had your reasons for what you did, and I don’t blame you, I’ve done worse.” She took a deep breath. “But you and Clarke, I don’t know. I always thought you had something special. You always forgave each other, understood each other. But now….” She trailed off.

“Clarke needs something to believe in, to live for. Currently that’s not you. And unless you can get past your anger and your hurt, she’ll have to find something else, or we will lose her, for real this time.”

Bellamy waited a bit more and when it became obvious she had finished speaking he spoke up. “I want to help her; I want to be there for her. But I don’t know how. Our relationship was always, well, fighting. We would argue and disagree, but when it came down to the wire we would stand together.”

He looked at Abby and she nodded in understanding. “But now?”

“But now we can’t talk. Literally, I talk to her and no response. How are we supposed to work things out if she won’t even fight to be heard, to tell her side of the story?”

Abby sighed again. “I don’t know Bellamy. All I know is that we need to find something, anything, for her to live for. Or next time she tries to kill herself, we won’t be able to stop her.”

Bellamy sighed and started manoeuvring himself out of bed. Abby looked surprised. ‘Where are you going?”

“I think I need to talk to Madi, she kept Clarke going all those years in the valley. Technically she’s known Clarke for longer than any of the rest of us, and she’s known her during a time of peace. That’s not something I have any experience with. When Clarke wakes up, we need to sit down and have a real talk. Whether she wants to or not.”

Abby frowned then nodded in agreement. “I’ll stay with her, but don’t take to long. The sedative should last a couple of hours.”  
Bellamy nodded and left.

He found Madi in the commanders tent. Ignoring everything else he strode up to her and said, “We need to talk”  
Madi shook her head, concentrating on the map in front of her. “Not right now, I’ll come see you after dinner.”  
“No Madi, we need to talk now.”  
Madi looked up in irritation. “I’m busy right now, I have a lot of work to do.” And she went back to her work.

“Clarke tried to slit her own throat Madi.” Bellamy didn’t mean to blurt it out like that, but he needed her to listen. Madi froze at that and he saw her fingers tighten around her pen before she bowed her head. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t make the same mistakes she did, I can’t put one person’s wellbeing before everyone else’s. The work I’m doing right now is important. I will come and see her after dinner.”

“Excuse me?” Bellamy couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

Madi sighed and put her pen down before looking him in the eyes. “I have the memories of every commander in here.” She tapped her head.

“Each of them tells me that love is weakness. Except for Lexa. Because of Clarke, she believed that love was not a weakness, and that life was about more than surviving. For a while I listened to her, I wanted to believe that Clarke was right. But everything she has done, every sacrifice she has made, has been for love. And where did that land her? Abandoned by those she sacrificed for, willing herself to death.”

“No, the other commanders were right. Love is weakness, and it’s better that I learnt that now, before I ended up like Clarke.”

Bellamy took a step back in disbelief. On some level he knew that this was Madi’s way of dealing with what had happened to Clarke, that she did still love her. But on another level he felt a deep dread because he could see what she would become if she went through life this way. She would live life alone, separated from everyone around her, and always watchful as she could never fully trust anyone. She would end up like Clarke.  
Bellamy gave a sad laugh as he finally began to understand why Clarke had been so desperate to keep the Flame out of Madi. But that was for another time. For now. “Madi” he said firmly, stepping towards the young girl and getting her attention.

“Love isn’t what got Clarke into this mess, Love is what kept her going through everything. The reason she’s giving up is because she feels she doesn’t have love anymore.”

Bellamy frowned, he wasn’t explaining it properly.  
“No, what I mean is, Clarke still loves us, but she thinks we all hate her, and that’s why she’d given up. You won’t end up like Clarke if you believe love gives you strength. You’ll end up like her if you choose to deny love. How can you ever truly trust someone to have your back if you don’t love them. And it doesn’t have to be romantic love, it can be as a friend, or as a mother.”  
His voice gentled on that last bit as Madi’s eyes grew teary but then she bit her lip and her eyes firmed.   
“Maybe, but love opens you up for betrayal. Yes Clarke betrayed you to save me, in the name of love. But think about it. Name one person Clarke has loved who hasn’t betrayed her in some way.”

Bellamy was confused; he knew he had betrayed Clarke, but surely the others? He thought through them in his head. Abby – floated her father, Wells – lied to her about her father, Raven – took the chip from Allie, Jasper – hated her and killed himself, Monty – had told everyone about the list, Lexa – left them at Mount Weather, Finn – Had lied about Raven and then killed the grounders, Octavia – Tried to kill her and Madi, Murphy – was Murphy.

Ok, so thinking about it, they had all made some bad decisions in the past, and Clarke had forgiven them all and still given everything to save them. So their reaction to her betrayal may have been a little, extreme. Oh, their initial reactions had been justified, but the way they had hung onto their grudges long enough that Clarke had almost managed to let herself die without them noticing was wrong. No wonder Clarke believed she had nothing to live for.

Bellamy shook his head. That wasn’t important right now. What was important was that Clarke needed her daughter, and Bellamy could do at least this much for her.

“Maybe” He acknowledged. “But that doesn’t mean she was wrong to love them.. us. We all make bad choices, and sometimes all we have are bad choices. But if close ourselves off from love in fear of getting hurt, what is there left to fight for?”

“We fight to survive, so that our people can live” Madi replied stubbornly.

“Why?” Bellamy asked. “if love is truly weakness, then no one should love, and then why would you fight for them to live? Life is about more than just survival.”

Madi flinched at that. Bellamy wasn’t sure what he had said, but it had obviously hit a nerve. He took that as a sign and kept pushing.

“Clarke loves you Madi, and one of the things that broke her was the belief that once you took the Flame you became the Commander and weren’t her little girl anymore. But I know that’s not true. Yes you have the Commanders in your head giving you advice. But you have to remember that they experienced different lives than you, with different people. Just because the people they trusted weren’t worth their trust, doesn’t mean you can’t trust anyone. You just have to have better judgement than them.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” Cried Madi with tears in her eyes.

“They were all stronger than me. They’ve led longer than I have. How could my judgement be better than theirs?”

Bellamy thought for a moment. He knew he needed a solid argument to beat all the voices in her head. And he knew that Madi would need someone she could be herself with. Someone who didn’t see her as the commander but as a young girl who would need comfort and guidance when she made mistakes. He couldn’t do that for her, much as he wished he could. He cared for Madi, but he didn’t know her before she took the Flame, he couldn’t separate who she was from it. And he had already proven that he was willing to put her in danger if he believed it was the right thing to do, more than once.

“Can you tell me about the betrayers?” He asked hesitantly.

“Can you tell me why they betrayed the previous Commanders?

Madi paused and looked thoughtful, he realised she was getting the answer from the Flame. “Many reasons” she said in the end dismissively.

Bellamy stayed silent,waiting. She sighed as she realised he wasn’t going to budge.

“Power, hatred, jealousy, love. Some disagreed with the Commanders decisions, thought they knew better than them. Some wanted to be the next Commander. A couple were lovers of the Commanders, one was angry after the Commander lost interest, and another thought they were protecting the Commander but went behind her back and almost started a war. What does this have to do with anything?”

Bellamy smiled a little. “Because all of those people were dealing with their Commander. Clarke doesn’t see you as the Commander, you are her daughter, you will always be her daughter, and the Flame can’t change that. And you know how far Clarke is willing to go to protect her family. She wants to die because she thinks we won’t care, because she thinks we will be better off without her. Can you really let her die and not care?”

“Of course not! But I can’t force her to live, I am the Commander, and if that means she can’t accept me…”   
Madi was crying properly now and Bellamy couldn’t help himself. He moved forward and hugged her, letting her cry. For the first time he saw the burden he had placed on her shoulders. She had always seemed so strong; it was easy to forget she was still a young girl. And now that he thought about it, Clarke hadn’t been much older than her when she was sent to the ground and had to take charge of the rest of the delinquents. She and Madi were a lot alike. They bore the burden so others didn’t have to. And with Clarke, each time she had done the unthinkable to save them, had taken the burden for them, they hadn’t appreciated it. Each time they got in trouble, they looked to Clarke to save them. Each time she did, they criticized her choice, they got angry and said she made the wrong choice, but they never stood up to make those choices themselves. And then when the next crisis came around, they would turn around and expect her to save them once again. No wonder she had broken. She had been a teenager, a medical student with a happy home and family before all this. Then her parents each made a choice that changed her life forever, and suddenly she was in charge of 100 teenagers. Untrained, unwanted even, but with the moral integrity to step forward and take that burden not knowing what lay ahead. And she had asked for his help in so many ways. When she needed support he had tried to give it to her, tried to share her burden, but had failed more often than not. With Pike, with the grounders, with the bunker, with Primfaya, and then with Madi. She had chosen him as the person she could trust to help her lead, but each time he fought her, each time he had taken something from her. Her attempts at peace, her life, her daughter. Each time he had made a choice, the choice he believed was right, but each time it had chipped away at her, destabilised her, and now she had broken, and he didn’t know how to fix her. He couldn’t make the right choice without her.


End file.
